A marriage that is primarily arranged by the parents of the couple refers to an arranged marriage.It usually involves a third party intervention. Family friends and relatives act as mediators and are usually involved in the matchmaking process. However, as far as marriage is concerned, let me candidly admit that my parents wouldn’t be too happy if I were to marry outside my community. It wouldn’t raise a furore in my family, but mixed marriages are still a rarity and are still frowned upon in some Indian communities.
I have the liberty to decline a marriage proposal, albeit on genuine grounds. I need a rock solid reason to ‘turn down’ a prospective groom. (I hate to use the word ‘reject’.) What I mean is, I can’t say no to a guy because he is not irresistibly attractive. I can’t decline a seemingly mind-blowing proposal because the man in question doesn’t have oratorical skills. I am of the opinion that arranged marriage is matchmaking at its worst. It is not enough that the social and financial status of the families is at par. It is not enough that the respective horoscopes have been tallied by the family astrologer. Do I know the person enough to marry him? That’s the million dollar question that makes my stomach churn.
The girl’s bio-data is made, that comprises of personal information- this includes her name, date of birth, qualifications, interests, not to mention her ‘skin tone’ and ‘weight’ in some cases. The bio-data is sometimes garnished with her outstanding achievements and special attributes.
Horoscope matching is an integral part of the arranged marriage set up. The girl’s and the boy’s date of birth, time of birth, star sign, gotra (lineage), etc are taken into consideration. Marriage customs and traditions vary from community to community. Once the horoscope tallying and matching is done, the girl’s family meets the boy’s family (minus the girl). If they are convinced, both the families meet again, this time with the girl and boy in tow.
The meeting is coordinated and a classy venue is decided upon. It just needs to be big enough to accommodate at least 25 persons. Yes. You can expect at least 10 relatives from the boy’s side and 10 relatives from the girl’s side, to grace the preliminary occasion. The prospective bride is under tight scrutiny. Naturally! Prying eyes are checking her out from head to heels. She has to be extra cautious about her gait, how she smiles, how she laughs and how she converses. Her body language should basically be ‘homely’. (Thank God, today, women are at least not made to ‘walk’ and ‘read’). The prospective groom is not spared either. He himself is under microscopic observation. The already nervous girl tries fielding a volley of questions thrown at her. Incidentally, some of my female cousins have been subjected to weird questions like-“do you want to work after marriage?”, “will you be able to juggle work and family life?”, "Do you know to prepare 'rotis'?"(I got my basics right. And, my husband will surely not starve to death) , " How about the relocation?", Disgusting, isn’t it?
Coming back to the match making process, the prospective couple is left alone for a few minutes. In this ‘stipulated’ time period, the girl and the boy are expected do decipher if they are made for each other. Customary questions like, “what do you do?”, “what are your hobbies”, “what do you like”, “what do you dislike”, etc are thrown at each other. No sooner do the boy and girl start to interact, than they are timed out.
On the basis of this blink-and-miss first meeting, you are expected to declare your verdict. Tell me, how on earth are you going to make up your mind, in about 10 to 15 minutes, in just one meeting, that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Are we talking about vegetables, shoes or clothes here? It’s about your life! Your future rides on it. A second meeting is highly improbable. In any case, how much will you know about the person, even in the second meeting? The girl and the boy will naturally put their best foot forward. Expectedly, they would be at their sophisticated best. Can you really attempt to pigeonhole the person in such a short time span? Parents consider it their moral responsibility to find a suitable match for their children. I appreciate this only if the marriage is consensual. Many a times, the girl gives in. It is difficult for the boy and the girl to arrive at a conclusive answer in just one meeting. At the most, they are given 24 hours to think about the most important decision of their lives. Moreover, isn’t it way too unrealistic to expect the duo to have a friendly banter amidst a crowd comprising of so many persons. The strangers don’t even know each other. The boy and the girl can’t be lounging around in uninhibited glory.
How do I know if the seemingly eligible bachelor with a six figure salary will stand steadfast with me during my time of pain and tribulation? Is he really a bankable husband? Will I be blissfully happy with him? How do I know he is ‘the one’ for me? A legitimate profession is no criteria to marry someone. A hefty paycheck is not reason enough to marry someone. Marriage involves a great deal of mutual love, respect, compatibility and affection. There are certain aspects that demand attention before walking down the aisle. We need to get our priorities right before taking the matrimonial plunge.
Indian daughters are made to compromise; they are expected to ‘adjust’. Can we ever expect men to adjust? No. Because they are used to being mollycoddled by their mothers and wives.
I shudder at the thought of an arranged marriage. I get goose bumps. Will I be happy? Will I be the same person as I am today? Will my mom-in-law love me like my mother? Can I expect unflinching loyalty from a stranger?I am not confident if I’d get along with someone only because we share the same culture, values, religion and language. I have severe misgivings. I don’t want to be involved in a loveless arranged marriage. I can’t make the most important decision of my life at the spur of a moment.To me, arranged marriage is the perfect gamble.
Hindu marriages are considered a union of two families, not just two individuals. Parents investigate the family background of the boy. A complete background check is conducted to assess the background of the boy. We call it ‘inquiry’. Inquiry gives you an insight into the boy’s reputation in the society, his character, his family background, his social standing, his financial standing, his lifestyle in general. Inquiry is the easiest thing to do. Relevant information can be easily obtained via sources. Sources include relatives, family friends and any other person who directly or indirectly knows the boy.
My question is- how foolproof is this inquiry? Can I spend the rest of my life with someone based on this inquiry? Background checks can be deceptive. You can be cheated. You can be kept in the dark about critical issues that can ruin your life. There’s more than meets the eye. Honestly, I am wary about background checks. I don’t know how reliable a background check is. A wedding alliance cannot be consummated on the basis of a fickle background check.
Lovemaking is the culmination of any man-woman relationship. Like emotional compatibility and mental compatibility, sexual compatibility is also important. How on earth are you going to make love to someone you don’t even love? Someone you don’t even know. Let me bluntly put it this way: I can’t imagine sleeping with a stranger. Even a lifetime is not enough to know someone.
We Women are called to give what is more difficult, and not necessarily what we would chose to give. Saint Paul, as he reminds husbands to love their wives, but wives to respect their husbands.
"Groom hunting, vis-à-vis arranged marriage, is thrilling as well as daunting"
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